I get so envious and sad when I see -in pictures or in person- parents hugging their children or telling them that they love them. I get like that when I see my friends on Facebook post screenshots of convos with their mom or dad and the parent says something like “I love you” at the end.I was on ig that this girl I follow posts her family a lot. Her mom loves her so much. Her dad does too. They look so happy. And I’m just here thinking “why can’t I have that?”. It’s totally out of my control. My mom and I haven’t spoken in a month or two. She came to see my sister, but didn’t tell me she was in town.
It was nice. We played Frisbee Golf with Zach and Mikey.
Zach reminds me of my myself. Hes willing to do so much for his friends. He just wants people who value him as much as he values them. He wants good friends. Real friends. I remember reading a rant he posted about how people use him a lot. Today, I was reminded that he is an amazing friend and Alex is so lucky to have him as a close friend and vice versa.
It just felt like we were friends, but not completely. I cant put it into words. I did not have the urge to hug him or hold his hand, but I felt as if something inside of me was saying “Heres the piece you lost years ago. Hes sitting right next to you.”
As I was driving, we made small talk. Then something hit me, and I realized No. No I would not want to be together again, because it was very true that we want very different things- though I still have a spot for him in my heart.
I started to get comfortable.
Got to the frisbee place. Said I wanted icecream, but not and icecream sandwich. Alex got one. I smiled, because I thought it was for me. Mikey said “aww thats sweet.”
Alex is like “What? This is for me.”
I admit, that crushed me a little. He let me have a bite anyways. It was clear to me that his feelings for me have diminished, just as mine have. I know that he still cares for me as a friend the way I do for him. We all had a really good time playing frisbee golf. Tiring, but fun.
I was the one that drove today. I was happy to spend $10 on gas for them, for him. He was the first person that tried to teach me how to drive. I cleaned the fuck out of my car for an hour before hand, inside and out.
At the end of the day, we watched a movie at his house with Mikey. Alex fell asleep. I missed a few seconds of some scenes because I kept looking at him sleeping. He was knocked out. It reminded me of the day we went into the canyon and I took pictures of him. Lots and lots of pictures. He was gorgeous. Beautiful even. As he was sleeping, all I could think was “he is beautiful when he sleeps”.
I started to get a headache, so after the movie, I left. He walked me to the door, gave me a loose and airy hug. I held on for a second or two longer, and he said “oh!”.
I did this because I’m not sure if this is the last time I’ll see him.
I drove home, still with the damn headache.
Rolled down the windows because the breeze was nice. Top of the sky was a deep blue, the bottom was yellow/orange from previous hours. The hills and trees had a pitch black silhouette, which I really liked.
I stopped to take a picture.
I feel relieved.
I feel relieved that I have confirmed somethings.
Yes, I can move on.
Yes, I have moved on.
Yes, he is happy.
So yes, I am happy.