Thinking about how I’m human, and that I will die. When I am 70, or 80, I will be thinking about when I was the age the I am now. Things will be different. Hopefully I won’t be alone (significant other), so I don’t go crazy. I know I will if I don’t.
Even now, I feel it coming on and it scares the hell out of me. I can’t trust my eyes anymore. Couldn’t sleep last night because every time I closed my eyes in bed, id see this giant brown hairy spider that I keep imagining. He’s everywhere. He’s the teenage cashier or the ball of hair in the floor. I see his eyes and mouth. I tried to picture something else. Kept seeing a dead boy.
I knew id have a nightmare.
I did. It was of the guy I’m dating. My nightmare just had to be about the one person that makes me feel like everything’s going to be okay. Why is my mind trying to turn me against myself?
I’m starting to accept the fact that I have a little case of OCD. I keep locking things over and over though I know I locked it, but I feel like I locked it,and I need to make sure. I do it about 3-5 times per item I lock. I keep running back to my room in the morning to see if my flat iron is unplugged. I know I unplugged it, but I go back and rub my hand on the outlet to feel if the cord is still plugged in because I don’t trust my eyes. I also do this 3-5 times. It’s one of the reasons why I’m late (or close) to things more often.
I don’t mean to do these things. I know it’s annoying to people that I lock things so many times but I can’t resist the urge to just check, check and check.
I don’t have an appetite anymore. I just eat because I have to or else I’ll crash while I’m driving from lack of energy. It’s scary driving home from school after all the extra work (I got out at 2:40 today but stayed in class and worked till 6:30-7). Driving feels unreal, like it’s a dream. I feel detached.
I need to get busy with something that brings me joy so I can go back to the way I was.